Friday, August 27, 2004

Depressed Thoughts

I will fly into your arms
And be with you, till the end of time
Why are you so far away
You know its very hard for me
To get myself close to you...
I wanna get myself close to you...

I Will Fly by Ten to Five

Today is the Ice Lady's birthday. Never remembered to be depressed in such a way, perhaps a long time ago. I'm so down that I started calling friends out of the blue, just to spread it around, and one of them didn't recognize me by my voice, even taking a few seconds to make sure it was really me. Whoa. Not that's not a good sign.

I wish ... no. I have got to stop dwelling in what I can't do or have and focus in the future. Whatever comes down the path you got to experience it with every fiber of your living being. You don't only stop and smell the flowers along the way; you grabbed it by the stem, pull its roots out, eat and munch the plant, and savor the taste. Then you throw it away, and just move on.

Hmmm, perhaps that was just a tad too graphic. My point is that we have got to live everyday as if its our last, but remember to move on in the end, and just keep the memories. But sometimes we just gotta take something; a particular flower or even a piece of pebble. In this case, a love one or friends or family.

But enough of that symbolization crap. I'm depressed, and even if its Sunday tommorow (or rather, in the wee hours of today), nothing I do uplifts my spirits. Perhaps tommorow's game will hype me up. Even if its just a little.

I realized I'm not writing coherently, yet frankly I don't care. I guess being depressed comes in package deals: things just don't work. No wonder Edgar Allan Poe was great writer. He wrote even if he was neurotically depressed. In fact, he made depression his reason to write. Hence we now have his scary and horrific masterpieces, which oddly enough, deal mostly with the primal human psyche (fear, anger etc.)

Gah, I'm like a bee flitting from tree to tree; my mind wanders like a drunk, unfocused yet somewhat aware. I have got to find something to take my mind off things. Perhaps I'll finally take that offer of an aquarium in my room, my only problem is that fish are boring. Except piranhas,sea otters or even turtles. Now that would be cool. I'd better give it some serious thought.

Speaking of thoughts, I decided to paint my room with shades of blue, going for artistry with visual swirls and slopes. Blue curtains, blue bed and, perhaps, even repaint my PC blue. But that would mean new furniture, and my budget doesn't allow me to buy a new tables and stuff. Ah well...

Bahala na. I'd better get some sleep if I wanna play well at basketball tommorrow.

State of Mind: Depressed
Now Listening to: Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head Album
Now Reading: A Game of You by Neil Gaiman
Depression Level: 60% ... it toned down a bit after writing.


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